You Are Not Alone- The Light in the Darkness (A Myles Dyer Tribute)

If you feel so low that you don't know how to get yourself out.If you feel like you can't take it. And you feel yourself slipping away, like there is no one there to help you find yourself. I ask of you one thing. Hold on.

This is potentially the hardest thing youll ever have to do. But you can do it. As I write this, I am feeling ok. However 5 hours ago, I ran out of my friends flat, and became self-destructive. I smashed things, I punched things. I screamed. I cried. I couldn't cope. And I have felt this way for months. This month has been the hardest of my life and I'm nowhere near feeling better. But I've learnt one thing tonight. And that is that, I'm not alone. And neither are you. And thats something that everyone should hold onto. You might not see it, but there is always someone who is willing to listen. You just have to let them

If i may I would like to describe my current situation. I was diagnosed with serious depression in January. For years however I have battled with myself. This past month, I have never felt so alone, and so lost in my entire life. I felt like I was burden, like i was a waste of space. This feeling made me drive my friends away. It's a vicious circle. I didnt want to hurt my friends, so i pushed them away, which only left me more alone, which in turn, only made me worse. Something I particularly battle with is my self-perception. I can only see myself as a waste, and a purposeless being, fit for nothing. I don't see why people would like me, and I don't feel I deserve to be loved. In short, honestly, I hate myself. I truely do. I've cut myself, and I've nearly broken my hand just to see if i can feel.

However, I now know that I am not alone. I had a talk with a great friend of mine, and she helped me to understand that I am only alone for as long as I choose to be. For it is impossible to be helped if you refuse the offered help. She saved my life tonight. That's the truth.

Now i'll stop talking directly about myself. I know how it feels to be so low that there feels like no way out. I know how it feels to lie in bed, crying and begging aloud for it to stop. I know what it feels like to be desperate, and willing to do anything to feel better. I need you to remember that when you feel like this, there is a path out. And there are so many people already in your life who will drag you out of your hole, if will but let them try. I know how hard it is. It's the worst thing to do in the world. But as soon as you manage to let someone try, you can start to heal. No-one can do it on their own. No-one is that strong. However when you are surrounded by darkness, and all feels lost, all you need do is remember to turn on the light, and you'll see how many people are around you to help.

I'm so sorry for you if you're in this situation. If i can give but one thing to cling onto, a light at the end of the tunnel, it's that it does get better. I promise you that. It gets better. It might not seem like it, but it does. Just remember. Help will come. Whether it be friend, family or stranger. People will listen.


This was written in response to Myles Dyer's video "You are not alone" in which he talks through his own experiences and frankly much better than i do, gives advice and encouragement. Myles you are truely inspirational and selfless man, and your videos have helped me more than you can know. Thank you.

Ben

So I got a lip piercing.....

So I got a lip piercing today. The first thing I have to say is that...... it really hurt! Like not a sting like an ear piercing, but a major stabbing pain. My instinct was to scream girlily and flail about, crying in desperation for my mummy and a sedative. However the man doing the piercing was a fairly large tattooed man, so I swallowed my pride, and lowering my voice to a gravelly tone reserved only for Batman-esque feats of endurance, utter a grunted, "Huh. I guess that stung". Make no mistake, my brain wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. It was all a facade. And so, after years of wanting it, I got my lip pierced. And all it took was a week off Uni with nothing to do.

In all honesty I kinda like it. It makes eating difficult, and feels clunky. But as with all things, I'll get used to it.

Did I mention it really, really hurt? Thank you world!! Your attempts to conspire against me have not gone unnoticed. Its like noone told me that it was a bad idea.

Thanks,

Ben

Replaced

I don't know how to describe the feelings I feel,

but here's what i think, for once something real.

I hate that I never see you, I hate that we're never alone,

I hate the way I feel, and that you don't feel the same.

For you've someone else now, and i feel i'm not needed,

Where was he a few months back, when everything was so good.

For now I feel replaced, I feel I dont matter,

And everyday it breaks my heart, for now I feel alone.

You tell me, 'it's a one way street', but how can I

help if I get nothing but silence when I daily ask.

Too many nights spent sleepless, 

Too many nights spent wondering, what did I do wrong?

I think about the future, and wonder how long I've got,

Before I'm condemned to the odd text, and you never want to see me.

I know I've been out of things, but it's something I can't help,

I'm still getting over you drunkly saying, "I've gone through so much for you"

For that's the last thing I ever wanted, to hurt you,

although I felt that it was inevitable, I'm a hard person to like.

How wierd it feels that I will still do anything for you,

Whilst I feel so upset, I just want the best for you.

So while you spend your time with the recurring friend,

I will sit quietly and pray for time to mend,

whatever problems we have, for you refuse to reply,

to the meaningful apologies, penned by my heart.

When we're out together, and we used to be close,

You now turn your attention unto another,

Leaving me onthe fringes, kicked to the curb,

Praying for a miracle, that youll want to see me again.

Worst of all I do not blame you, for finding someone else,

I only feel sorrow for myself, selfish I know. 

For you mean so much to me, and i seemingly nothing now to you,

And i am left wondering, Whatever did i do?a

England Euro 2012 Team Prediction

Goalkeepers- Hart, Green, Foster
Defenders - Richards, Billy Jones, Phil Jones, Jagielka, Terry, Lescott, Cahill, Baines, Cole
Midfielders-Lampard, Gerrard, Young, Walcott, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Carrick, Wilshere, Johnson
Forwards- Rooney, Crouch, Defoe

and now to explain my choices.
Goalkeepers-Taking the no. 1 shirt, we have the ever present Hart. There is no other choice in my mind. Criminally benched two years ago, this is Hart's time. At this juncture, its almost irrelevant who else goes, but you could do worse than safe hands Green, and I fancy Roy to call Foster out of retirement for a final competition. Whether he says yes is another matter!
Defenders- Hearing that Ferdinand and Walker will miss out through injury  throughs something of a spanner in the works, but i progressed onwards. at RB Roy must choose Richards. Big, imposing, fast. He's everything Johnson is going forwards, without the frailties at the back. Simple choice. The battle for the starting centre roles is a tight one however. Whilst Lescott has had a mammoth season, I fancy Roy to bond youth with experience, and select Terry alongside a mixture of Phil Jones. He has stepped up when it matters for Man United and this is fitting reward. At LB who else but Ashley Cole. Personality of a cheating scumbag-perhaps. Best left back we've got. Just about. Although Leighton is running him very fine, especially after such a good season at Everton. The only other defender i feel worth defending is the inclusion of Billy Jones. Whilst this is a risky choice, i cant think of a harder working man than Billy Jones. Stepping into the breach at West Brom, and helping shore up a rather leaky back line, he showed ability beyond his station. Therefore as substitute RB I see him as a good bet. (doesnt hurt that Roy probably likes him!)
Midfielders- In the centre, an obvious pairing of Lampard and Gerrard(presuming he's fit!). Its not one im a fan of but there are worse decisions to be made. For me the battle for places lies in the wings. On the left we have Ashley Young. He's quick, he can cross, and given a chance he can finish. Excellent choice in my book! On the right, Walcott. He might run hot and cold at times, but he is damn near the fastest footballer in the game, and he's not that bad. However, Oxlade-Chamberlain has been showing his ablities this season, practically sending Arshavin from Arsenal through his showings. However, i think its perhaps too soon for Alex. I predict he goes on the plane, but not to play much. Maybe he gets a run around a few times but not much. And finally, the man who my heart goes out to. Adam Johnson. What does this man have to do to get a game? Sidelined at City, never picked for England. He deserves better. I predict he goes on the plane.
Attackers- Simple stuff really. Rooney, no explaination needed. Crouch, best goal scoring to appearance record for England at the moment. And Defoe, who has ,magically returned to form in time for the euros. Safe bets the three of them

Thank you,

Ben

For Her

Why can you not see how

Truly fantastic you are?

Can you not see you could

Mix with kings and yet you let

Yourself be doubted by fools?

You are the brightest thing in so

Many lives, and yet you are dulled

By those who you choose to trust.

You are more brilliant than a burning

Star, never diminishing, everlasting,

And yet you listen to those who seek to

Pull you down. You see yourself as

Hated, and nothing could be further from the truth.

How I wish you would listen

When I tell you that you are as beautiful

As the newly rising sun, but my voice

Is but one, lost in the crowd of those who live

Only for spite.

The Lament of the Old

Sitting in the drawer gathering dust,

I only wish to feel the touch

Of another’s fingers on my body

And press my buttons with skill, not folly.

How I yearn for someone to call

Me or even text before I fall

Asleep in the dark. My battery’s

Flat, it only responds to charge and flattery.

I dream of the day I used to

Be slim, now there’s models

More tiny than shapely. There’s nothing

To hold onto with these slim line folk.

Now I find I am replaced by

Those with cheaper packages

And those sleek and shiny bodies. I guess

I must face the fact, I am only a Nokia 3310!

The Ballard Of Henry

I am sad, my life sucks.

Every now and then I am noticed.

Most of the time I am ignored

My name is Henry.

My existence revolved around others.

If I am disregarded I remain

Trapped in my corner. In those

Times I wonder, do I exist? I am unsure.

People seem not to care about me.

They drag me from place to place.

When I see others being treated with nothing

But respect, I am green with envy.

Even when I am shown a certain

Level of civility, it is but a ruse sent

To enrage me. I am greeted by

A carpet of dirt and I wonder,

Why must I be a hoover?