The Man Who Cannot Sleep

Lying awake for what seems like the infinite time. Body clock all to shit and I'm feeling low. Thoughts race around my mind like a terrible track of terrifying thoughts and hopeless despair. I don't know whether I'm more afraid of: how i now feel or the fact that by the morning I shall feel like a new man? Whilst this may seem good, I am scared about the lack of consistency in my mind. I either want to be better or feel bad enough for a long enough period of time to work on my issues. But as soon as the sun comes up I will become renewed. I adopt the facade of sanity, and try to forget that the girl that drives me crazy will never be interested in me or know the truth.  For how can I tell her when she's with another guy?

As I lie here and sum up the content of my life, I cannot think of one reason that I deserve to live. I have so little to cling onto, and so little left in my life to live for. I look back and see naught but disappointment. I look ahead and see naught but darkness. I cannot shake the feeling that no-one would care if i was not here. If I had never come here, would anything have changed? I honestly dont think so. I have met people that I love, but I worry that all I am to them is a messed up limpet, who they would be happier without.

I see no end in sight, and I see no way to dig myself out. I cannot tell people how I truely feel, for the one person I feel I can talk to is always annoyed with me, and it breaks my heart to upset her. I know i do and that makes it so much harder to be honest. It is a vicious circle of misery and despair. It hurts me to lie to her, it hurts me to upset her. Its a perpetuating cycle. I need a way out but i can't bring myself to do it.

Feeling alone and lonely. Spent so long being told I am nothing, and not worth the time to get to know. So long spent in a place that conspired to ruin my self-esteem and sense of worth. I have fought hard to be able to look myself in the mirror once again. For years, people told me that I'd never be loved, and that I'd die alone. After so much time hearing these things, I believed them, and now I can't get the worthlessness out of my head.
That is why I lie awake, just waiting for her to text me and frustratedly tell me that we are fine and to stop saying sorry. I do that because it has been drummed into me that I am not worth the time, and so i assume that I have always done something to be sorry for.

To whoever bothers to read this, thank you for indulging me.

Ben